2/01/2011

The Weirdest Place on Earth

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When I visited home during my Christmas break, I had the surreal pleasure of happening on a Junk shop that was, on first glance, completely empty. It was a surreal experience and one that I cannot quite describe. Keep reading for a long post of weird, weird, weird weirdness.

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There was, naturally, wall to wall junk. But there was something odd about the place—quiet and abandoned, and full of one surreal object after another. It seemed like there wasn’t a soul around anywhere.

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Things started out quaint, perhaps kooky.

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Started to raise an eyebrow when I saw things like this. There’s no way that’s a stock photograph. Who sells a picture of somebody else’s kid?

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This store quickly became a place of my most horrible nightmares.

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A little bit of this might be considered “cute.” Walls and walls of them are bizarre and alarming.

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Art direction by Buffalo Bill. “It puts the lotion on its skin…”

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Stare upon the face of TRUE pedobear.

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Um.

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Right.

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There were also rows of porcelain figurines across from the mugs, I think. No idea what all this was supposed to be.

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“I want to hire a woman I can rape.” They didn’t have that cutesy cartoon mug, but this was close.

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That says “Tomato Ketchup Mix.” That’s odd enough. Do you see what’s below it?

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Yeah, those are rows of adult diapers. And right next to them?

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Gravy and Hollandaise sauce mix.

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Seriously, within one meter of each other.

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The nostalgia of seeing Fla-Vor-Aid didn’t reassure me I wasn’t going to get murdered.

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Rows and rows of empty glass soda bottles. There’s no Nuka-Cola.

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Muppets glassware in the same aisle.

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And then there was Christmas junk.

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Stumped? It used to spell “NOEL.”

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How many corpses were packed up in the back like this? NRFB.

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Classic Pepsi logo on an ugly racing trucker hat.

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This bust was one of my favorite things in here. But really, what?

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Almost no rhyme or reason to any of this.

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Like I said, no explanation can really describe this place. And I’ve seen loads and loads of junk shops.

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And then we got to this back room. This store clearly used to be a grocery store. My heart sank when I saw this room that CLEARLY used to be a cooler and meat department.

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How many hundreds of people have met their end at this horrible, rusty slicing equipment?

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Shudder.

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Is this even a piece of meat cutting equipment? I’m not sure.

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Back to the junk. We’ll return to the “off limits” room later.

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There’s no good reason for any of this stuff to be there.

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Back at the horrible meat locker—some odds and ends. A Cash register…

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A scale…

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A coffee maker…

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And “Fun Capital of the World.”

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There might have been six of these grocery carts, all full of this garbage.

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Pepsi bottles, full, sealed, and covered with dust.

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Dusty piano, seemingly undisturbed until I opened it.

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And as if things couldn’t get any more surreal… wait for it…

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Yes, that’s right. A cat with one eye. Just hanging out. Being a cat. With ONE EYE.

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One. Count ‘em. ONE! This cat was actually very sweet, but I wasn’t going to hang out for much longer after this point.

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“Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.”

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And for some reason, this sports car (a Mustang?) was inexplicably parked outside. Every bit of this is incredibly incongruous.

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Well, I bested the somewhat adorable cyclops and escaped with my life. I seriously hope these people don’t track me down and murder my entire family, because I have been having nightmares of that very thing happening.

I feel very lucky I didn’t end up in the meat locker chopped up into bacon strips.

There was a fun element to this trip. It was sort of like entering a huge area in Fallout 3 or something—some bombed out and dead place that tells a story of people that (hopefully) aren’t around anymore. Everything there—all that junk—told some sort of story. I’m just not quite sure what that story was.

But, I digress. If I ever disappear, please come to this place and rescue me.

Sociable

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